Debauchery
by Tomo Potter
Summary: 3 AM fanfic. Sirius wants to know what debauchery Remus has been up to, to get into this state. RLSB SLASH, swearing, sexual references.


_A/N: Writiiiiiiiing!_

_I am listening to OotP on audiobook RIGHT NOW and inspired for the first time in weeks YAY!_

_Hahahaha. "Was it... you-know-what, darling? Did he use his... thing?"_

_Oh, and if this seems a bit weird... keep in mind that the majority was written at 3 am after I had spent 17 hours awake running around pretty much constantly on 4 hours sleep and no food. There is something incredibly wrong with me. XD_

_Disclaimer: Characters you recognise belong to J.K Rowling, my deity. Arabella Bearlin is actually a sim of mine XD just pinched her for this story. Yes, I know. I suck at last names XD Technically her last name is actually Black now, because she married Maresha, but ANYWAY._

_Warning: Slash, het, swearing, sexual references, literary nudity._

_Dedicated: To Atria (Maiden Angel) for relighting my writing fire... I'm so sorry for phailing at rp! To Jess, for her reaction when I told her I was writing this... "Fanfictionwhatfanfiction? Gayguyswhatgayguys? TELL JESS ALL!" which made me laugh for like, ages. To Hannah, for being the only person besides me I know who coughs loudly when walking past a smoker. Best five months of my life :) Here's to many more. I love you._

_Believe-It-Or-Not: This story was inspired almost entirely by a pimple. It's changed a LITTLE since then, but the basic idea has actually remained exactly the same. I get story ideas from the weirdest places._

**Debauchery**

Remus Lupin winced, as he entered his room. It was so late, he had expected (and, he must admit, hoped) that the others would all be asleep by now. Instead, he walked in on a loud, slightly drunken roar as Sirius threw down a royal flush, and Peter stood up to remove his trousers. They all turned however, at the noise of the door closing.

"MOONY!" Sirius roared, grinning. "Strip poker night! Wa... you've been up to debauchery."

Although drunk, Sirius was still observant. Not that it would take much to notice the state Remus was in. His usually neatly combed hair was all ruffled and sticking up in places. His shirt was untucked in odd places, and unbuttoned halfway. His fly button was undone. There was lipstick on his face. In general, Remus Lupin looked quite simply ravished.

"Uhhhh..... no." Remus blushed, knowing himself that his denial would do no good. Shit shit shit. This was so very many different kinds of not good.

"Liar!" Sirius grinned wickedly, leaping up and stalking over to Remus. "You've had some fun tonight, haven't you?"

"I haven't. Shut up." Remus blushed angrily, folding his arms and looking away from Sirius.

"Just look at you." Sirius tweaked his collar, which Remus now realised was askew. "You can't walk in here half undressed and say there was no debauchery of any kind tonight."

"You can talk." Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius was dressed only in his underpants, and his tie, which Sirius always kept on during poker. It was his lucky tie, and the last thing he removed. A strange part of Remus's brain considered how odd it was that he found knowing that entirely normal. That same strange part had been largely in charge of the running of his life for the past few hours, so this thought seemed oddly compelling. He didn't snap out of his reverie until Sirius had pounced on him, somehow standing behind him now, and was speaking loudly right next to his ear.

"Come on Moony, spill! Don't leave out any juicy details!" He grinned, resting the side of his head on his arm, which was wrapped casually around Remus's neck.

"Yeah, c'mon Remus. You're not allowed to keep it secret. It's a Marauder Law." James grinned, scooting over to sit by Remus's feet.

"I don't remember that one..." Peter pondered, sitting next to James.

"Well whatever. It's a Marauder Law now."

"We have to vote." Sirius reminded him.

"Padfoot!" James gasped. "You wound me! I thought you were my triumphant ally in our quest to get Moony to tell us all about his evening of sin. What has come over you, man?"

"You can't ignore one Marauder Law to create another, dude." Sirius shrugged, rubbing his chest unconsciously against Remus's back. "It's just common sense."

"Fine." James grumbled. "All those in favour of making it a new Marauder Law that if any Marauder should experience such an evening of sin, it is his solemn duty to tell his fellow Marauders all about it?" His tanned, well muscled arm raised firmly into the air.

"Aye." Sirius grinned, raising his own, slender, and much paler arm, while keeping his upper arm resting on Remus's shoulder, hanging comfortably off the other boy.

Peter didn't say a word, just turned scarlet, and raised his hand.

"The ayes have it." James grinned. "I will write it in the book first thing tomorrow. In the mean time, tell us."

Remus groaned. "It wasn't an evening of sin. There was no sin whatsoever involved."

"Yeah right." Sirius rolled his eyes, wiping his finger along Remus's lower lip and holding it up to show the world the red stain. "Lipstick. You're not getting out of this one, Moony."

Remus groaned. "Fine. Fine. I will tell you lunatics what happened if you let me sit down."

"Then sit down, you may!" Sirius grinned, dragging Remus over to his bed, plopping the werewolf down, and sitting behind him, arms still hanging loosely around his friend's neck.

"There. Comfortable." James grinned. "Story time!"

"Fine." Remus sighed, taking his pillow and hugging it loosely to his stomach, and began to tell the story.

_So, you guys know I was supposed to be tutoring Arabella Bearlin in Herbology? Yes, you do. I told you as I was leaving. Fine. I knew you never listened to me, Sirius. Anyway, I got there and we started working on her essay. Yes, Sirius, she's that blonde sixth year with the glasses. If you ever wolf whistle again, I will bite you in the jugular. We were working, and she started rubbing her leg against mine... I thought she was just itchy or something. Didn't really notice. Shut up, James. So she leaned over to write something, and one of the buttons on her shirt came undone, and I could see... uh... you know. Sirius, stop laughing. I tried to ignore it, but she didn't do it back up, just went right on working. After awhile, she stretched right up and yawned, and somehow another button came undone. And she uh... she wasn't wearing anything under. So... Yes, yes, you know me Sirius. Yes, I did go red and stammer a lot. She stood up and just took the whole shirt off. She said "Remus, I've been crazy about you for a long time. Being subtle hasn't worked, so now I'm trying being obvious. No, Sirius. I'm not nearly that quickwitted. I believe I said something along the lines of "Gngjshmundessay" and then she kissed me._

"Phwhoar! Just like that, topless girl all over you, Moony! Way to go!" James cheered.

Remus glared at him. "Shut up, okay. Just shut up. Do you want to hear the rest or not?"

"I'll be good." James said innocently, and Remus continued.

_I don't really remember everything that happened, because so many things seemed to be happening at once. I guess she undid my shirt, and untucked it a bit, but I didn't really notice. I only noticed when she actually undid my trouser button. I pushed her away, and said "Arabella... what are you doing?" And she said "Oh god... Remus, if you don't get it now, I may as well become a nun. A lesbian nun." And I said "Arabella... I think you're really nice... but I don't like you that way." And she just said "Oh." And put her shirt back on and left. And eventually..._

"I came back up here." Remus finished.

"Are you shitting me?" Sirius gasped. "You had Arabella Bearlin half-naked in your lap? And you let her go?"

"Asked her to go." Remus corrected. "You make me sound like a rapist. And yes, I did. I'm not you. I can't just enjoy a roll in the hay with anyone. I want it to be meaningful... with someone I love." Remus blushed.

"I should've known." Sirius grinned affectionately, reaching up (for his arms were still around Remus's neck, chin resting lightly on his left shoulder.) with his right hand to ruffle Remus's hair lightly. "You sound like a girl. I should've known you'd be one for big and meaningful, Moony."

Remus blushed even redder. "I just take that kind of thing seriously, that's all."

"But you're not a waiting-for-marriage type, right? James asked through a yawn.

"Nope." Remus looked away shyly. "Just waiting for the right someone."

"Fair enough. I respect that. You all know who I'm waiting for." James grinned, leaping up. "The girl who finally agreed to meet me in hogsmeade!"

"That was news last week. Are you still on about it?" Remus sighed.

James laughed. "I bet you would be on about it, if your right someone agreed to go out with you."

Remus smiled sadly. "Hardly."

"Whatever dudes. I'm gonna hit the hay. If you're gonna talk, silence charm it up." James flopped onto his own bed to the right of Sirius's. To his right, was Peter's bed, and Remus's bed was furthest to the left, beside only Sirius.

"I'm gonna go to bed too." Smiled Peter. "See ya tomorrow."

"Night, guys." Sirius grinned. "I'll be waiting in your dreams."

"Whatever." Peter smirked, drawing the curtains on his bed, and then Sirius abruptly let go of Remus, sliding to sit next to him, the two of them facing Sirius's empty bed and the two full ones. Sirius drew his wand (from where, Remus didn't want to know,) and cast a silencing charm.

"So. Who is it." He asked, cutting right to the chase.

"Who is who?" Remus blinked.

"You bloody well know who, Remus John Lupin. Who's this special someone who you turned down Arabella Bearlin for, who you would "hardly" be on about, if they agreed to go out with you." Sirius demanded, complete with finger quotes. "And if you try to bullshit me, I will tear out your entrails and feed them to wild geese."

"Dude, I threatened you with that last week. Don't steal my insults." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Really?" Sirius blinked. "Damn. I thought it sounded familiar. Well... don't bullshit me anyway. Now tell."

"I..." Remus sighed. "It's not that easy. It's a hopeless situation anyway... there's no way I can ever tell them how I feel."

"Why not? Are they allergic to sex? IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE ALLERGIC TO SEX, MOONY?" Sirius yelled in horror, at this sudden revelation.

"Calm down, Sirius. No, it's not. You're safe. It just... it wouldn't work. There are too many things in the way."

"Arrrrre... they a lesbian? Because that's not an obstacle. It's just really hot."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Most definitely not a lesbian. Just not an option. I'm stupid for even thinking-"

"Moony." Sirius interrupted, gripping his friend's shoulders and staring straight into his golden eyes. "You are not stupid for thinking. You are not stupid for feeling. There is nothing stupid whatsoever about love. Nothing stupid at all. Different people express it differently, but it's still the most beautiful thing in the world, and there is absolutely nothing stupid about it."

"I..." Remus began, but then thought the better of it, and his mouth just hung ever so slightly open, the beginning of the banished next word still holding his lips apart.

"I don't know what the problem keeping you two apart is, whether it's gender or a partner or some stupid rivalry, but there is nothing stupid about the way you fall. It is the least stupid thing in the whole world." Sirius smiled.

"...Thank you." Remus smiled shyly, cheeks pinkening, warm eyes turned embarassedly away.

"Any time." Sirius smiled, shifting so that he sat more comfortably, with his arm around Remus's shoulders.

They sat in silence for awhile, each thinking separately about the conversation they had just had. After awhile of comfortable quiet, Sirius spoke.

"You know, after a motivational speech like that, I deserve to know which it is."

"Which what is?" Remus blinked.

"Your obstacle. Gender, partner, rivalry, or something else?"

"...I don't know if I'm comfortable telling you that yet. Sorry, it's just... I've never even told anyone there WAS someone. It's a lot all at once. I don't think I can."

"So it's a big obstacle?"

"I risk losing just about everything. You know I'm not one for risks."

"I know." Sirius said gently, rubbing circles on Remus's shoulder with his thumb. "Just so you know though, if you do need to talk, I'm not going to judge. Just offering you someone to talk to. And also I'm curious as hell."

Remus laughed slightly, then sighed. "Promise you won't tell?"

Sirius nodded. "Or judge, or laugh, or try to tell you what to do."

"It's... gender." Remus sighed.

Sirius nodded. "I thought it might be... is it a lesbian, or a guy?"

"Guy." Remus's voice was barely a whisper. "I know I shouldn't like him like this and it's gross and wrong and stuff, but I can't help it. I think I'm in love. It's not easy, having to see... him every day, and touch him and be touched by him and feel this way." Remus looked sadly at his pillow, fiddling with a loose thread on the maroon and gold cover.

"So it's someone you're close to? If you're touching each other casually every day."

"Yeah. Didn't mean to let that slip. Oops." Remus smiled. "But yeah, we're close. We spend... a lot of time together."

Sirius frowned, running through his mental list of People Remus Is Close To. "Is it any of the people you tutor?"

"Nope." Remus eyed him. "Stop trying to guess."

"Give me a House." Sirius grinned cheekily.

"I'm not telling you. You'll have to beat me to death with my own bowels before I tell."

"Is it... James?" Sirius smiled brightly.

"No! I mean, nothing against him, but he's not my type."

Sirius nodded. "Obsessive stalker isn't many people's type." He grinned. "Pete?"

"Not my type either." Remus shook his head, now having made a small hole in his pillowcase.

Sirius frowned, thinking for a few minutes. "Hey Moony... can I try something?"

"What?" Remus blinked.

"This." Sirius smiled, taking his right arm from around Remus's shoulders, running it across his back and up his neck, to cup his cheek gently. Slowly, he moved closer, before pressing his lips to Remus's in a soft, chaste kiss. It was close-lipped, and only lasted a second, but when Sirius pulled back, he was smiling.

"What was that supposed to be?" Remus asked shakily, fingers now fiddling even more violently with the pillowcase hole.

"I wanted to do a little experiment. See how it feels to kiss a man."

"Oh..." Remus was still shaky, and he touched his lips lightly.

"I think we have both missed something very obvious that was right on front of our eyes." Sirius said dreamily, bringing his hands down to keep Remus from tearing the pillowcase to shreds, and lacing their fingers easily together.

"I... what?" Remus blinked.

"Do you have any idea how long I have liked you?" Sirius asked, bringing one of Remus's hands up and lightly brushing each knuckle with his lips. "I don't know why you never noticed... constantly hanging off you... I don't know why _I_ never noticed... you are a very subtle man."

"You are... are leaping to a lot of conclusions." Remus all but whispered.

Sirius shrugged, smirking pleasantly. "I may be stupid, but I do catch on eventually. It's a guy, ruling out Lily and that other girl you two hang out with. It's not someone you tutor, leaving the three of us. If it isn't James or Peter..."

"How do you know I don't have a secret hidden friend?" Remus said, in a voice that was not quite desperate, but not far off.

"Because you are as secretive as a camel."

"A what?" Remus blinked.

"Well, how many secrets would a camel keep?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"I dunno... maybe a lot? What if it was keeping secret things in it's hump."

"Good point. Anyway, whatever, you're still terrible at keeping secrets." Sirius smiled.

"And you're terrible at explaining. Try again. Use sane person words this time."

Sirius smiled. "I like you. A hell of a lot. Hence why I am always wrapped around your neck. You like me. You pretty much admitted it with that secret friend comment. That sane enough?"

"This feels very surreal." Remus commented.

"Yes it does." Sirius smiled. "And now I am going to kiss you again."

_A/N Yay :D I hope that wound up being readable and not too horrible! Hahahahah I am going to sleep now before I pass out or get even more hysterical and kill a chipmunk or something. Except there are no chipmunks in NZ so I would have to fly to a country with chipmunks and then kill a chipmunk and THEN pass out hahahahah I am so sleep deprived there is something wrong with me ha ha ha ha ha ha bye._

_-apologises for that- ...yeeeeeah I had pretty much run out of steam when I finished this. I'm a little better but I still have no energy XD 'least I'm sane now. Sane...ish. Well. Not killing chipmunks. But yeah sorry about the hysterical a/n and sorry if the story doesn't make sense (I am still too out of it to tell but while I was writing I was all 'OH MAN THIS STORY IS LIKE THE BEST EVAH' so I guess I'll just trust my sleepless self until I get all your reviews telling me actually, it's not. Yaaaay! :D_

_ACTUALLY I LIED WHEN I SAID IT WAS OVER. Here is the epilogue. Not long enough for it's own chapter, but too cool to leave off XD I wrote the actual story in the course of about 2-3 hours last night. I spent the entirety of today on the epilogue. I am weird XD_

Sirius Black awoke, warm and dressed only in his underpants, in the cosy bed of Remus Lupin. Said Remus Lupin was lying next to him, still dressed in his shirt and trousers from last night, though the shirt was now undone all the way, and all traces of lipstick had been thoroughly removed from his face. He and Sirius had spent the evening kissing and talking (Though considerably more of the former) and eventually fallen asleep in each other's arms.

"Mmm... I will feast on your innards..." Remus murmured sleepily, and curled himself more tightly into Sirius's bare chest.

"Indeed, lovely. I love it when you threaten all sexy like that." Sirius smirked, wrapping his arms tightly around Remus, and planting a gentle kiss on his forehead.

He had just snuggled back down to go back to sleep, when there was the rushing noise of curtains opening on one of the other four poster beds. At that same moment, Sirius' eyes snapped wide as he realised they had forgotten to close the curtains on Remus's bed, and anyone could see in on what was happening. To his horror, he watched as James slid out of his bed, dressed only in boxers. He scratched his arse, yawned, and stumbled halfway across to the bathroom where he realised what he was seeing, and froze.

"Uhh.... hi." Sirius grinned, and Remus groaned, opening sleepy eyes.

"Wuzzgonon?" Remus mumbled, then cuddled up closer to Sirius and closed his eyes again.

"Hi..." James said strangely. "Going to go... piss... now." He said slowly, then backed out of the room. Seeing that James was going to be okay, in his own way, Sirius was unable to resist calling after him;

"You mean you don't want to invoke the new Marauder Law on my night of debauchery?"


End file.
